How to Apologize Without Centering on Yourself
February 28th, 2021
What not to do
Over apologize
I'm so sorry. I feel so bad, I can't believe I did this. Is there anything I can do? I am horrified, I am so sorry.
Avoid responsibility
I'm sorry you feel that way
I'm sorry your feelings were hurt
I'm sorry you didn't feel supported
Conditionals
If you were hurt by what was said, I am sorry.
I am sorry you were hurt, but you shouldn't have done that.
You should only expect me to be polite to you when you follow the rules.
What A good apology looks like
I apologize for
Moving forward I will
If it feels appropriate, you can ask if they accept or forgive you.
Focus on identifying
- what did you break
- what you are going to do to fix it
Intent & Impact
If the person accepts your apology, only then can you consider mentioning intent.
Yet, it is easy to get intent confused with impact. Someone may have not intended to leave the candle burning, but if the house burns down, the impact still causes harm.
When we focus on the intent it centers on the feelings of the person who has done the harming. When we focus on impact, we focus on the harm that was done and the person that is experiencing it.
Don't let sharing your intent be a knee-jerk reaction. Use this consciously, knowing that when you do, you are likely shifting the focus away from where it should be.
Your intent is irrelevant if your impact is harmful.
Don't use your intention to dismiss someone who tells you they're hurt by something you did. Apologize, learn, and commit to do better.
This article was inspired by a talk by Amber Cabral