Holding Space
December 29th, 2019
What Is Holding Space
Holding space is a non-judgmental place for someone to express their emotions and needs into. It is a place where a person can fall apart without fear or shame. It is a place for someone to process their emotions and talk things out.
"Let them (or you) feel what they're feeling and experience it. Don't judge or try to change it, just let it be. Be a kind human who listens and seeks understanding." @sitwithwhit - Whitney Goodman, a Psychotherapist on Instagram
How To Hold Space
- Let the other person have whatever experience they are having. Let them express and feel their feelings.
- Be fully present.
- Open your heart; listen to understand. Softness is encouraged.
- Let go of judgment and have unconditional positive regard for the other person.
- Do not try to fix them or their situation.
- Create a safe place for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc.
- Trust the other person's intuition and wisdom.
- Allow them to make different decisions and have different experiences than you would.
- You don't need to speak unless you are asked to. Reassuring "mm hmmm"s are great to let the other person know you are listening, and that they can keep talking if they want to.
What you can say:
"I hear you."
"That makes sense."
“What is your experience?”
"How does that make you feel?"
"That sounds really hard. How are you handling it?"
"I totally understand why you are upset. What are you going to do?"
Don't Forget Your Needs
When holding space for others, you need to have the mental and emotional energy available to give. If you don't have that in the moment, communicate that to the other person. Perhaps try to find a later time when you are prepared. It does not help and can hurt the other person if you can't be fully present.
While holding space, it is important to breathe, ground, and be present with yourself. Their pain is not yours to take on. It is their experience to have and learn from. You are there to offer strength and courage; to reassure them than this is hard and they will get through this. The person will figure out how by using their own intuition and wisdom over time. This is their journey, not yours.
How To Hold Space For Yourself
Journal or talk to yourself:
- I am safe
- How do I feel?
- It's okay to feel this way
- This feeling is temporary
- I will get through this
- What do I need right now?