Binary Thinking Doesn't Leave Room For Nuance
July 11th, 2021
Not everything is either/or. There are more options than A and B. There is also C, D, E, and so on. When you declare for yourself who you are, not what others have assigned to you, that is when magic happens. For me, I had to make space to be myself in a way that didn’t exist before - both inside myself and out in the world.
Within us all exist multitudes. Agnes Chew explains that we are “a living microcosm of the entire emotional spectrum of oxymoronic paradoxes within a single moment that could never be logically construed”.
For me, being non-binary (and having known that long before the word was introduced into the lexicon) means more than not being confined to one of two gender boxes. It means permission to define what my gender is. How it is dynamic. For me, it’s both/and masculine and feminine not either/or.
There have always been people like me; across time, across cultures. Even when it’s uncomfortable for others, standing in my truth connects me with the great tradition of queer resistance. I’m grateful for the work and sacrifices of so many who came before me, especially trans women of color, who paved the way for me to be able to live openly. My enby siblings and I stand on the shoulders of giants.
As recently as five years ago, if you had told me I would be out at work and expressing my gender authentically - I would not have believed that possible. I am humbled and grateful for MassMutual’s efforts to have an inclusive culture - it makes all the difference to me.
How You Can Support Non-binary Folks:
Ask for and use people's pronouns
- Introduce yourself with yours. This makes the discomfort more equal for everyone.
- Don't assume someone's pronouns based on their gender expression
- If you make a mistake, just say "whoops, they" and move on. Don't force us to reassure you.
Use inclusive language
- I feel seen when people avoid “hey guys” and use “folks” or “everyone” instead.
- Decenter gender when referring to a group of people, and use “everyone”, “people” or “team”. Or saying “Men, Women and gender expansive folks.”
Recognize where you have privilege
- You can use public restrooms without fear of verbal abuse, physical intimidation, or arrest.
- Your validity as a man/woman/human is not based on how much surgery you’ve had or how well you “pass” as non-transgender.
- Strangers call you by the name you provide and don’t ask what your “real name” (birth name) is and then assume that they have a right to call you by that name.
- You are not required to undergo an extensive psychological evaluation in order to receive basic medical care.
- You can easily find role models and mentors to emulate who share your identity.
- You do not have to defend your right to be a part of “queer” (or the queer community), and gays and lesbians will not try to exclude you from “their” equal rights movement because of your gender identity (or any equality movement, including feminist rights).
- Your gender is an option on a form.
- You don’t have to remind your extended family over and over to use proper gender pronouns (e.g., after transitioning).
Learn more
- Understanding Non-Binary People: How to Be Respectful and Supportive | National Center for Transgender Equality
- Nonbinary: What Does It Mean?